RANDOM THOUGHTS
04/03/2017
NOT ALONE
God has particular ways of talking to me. He knows when I need some advice, when I need to set foot on the ground - more than usual. I've always felt a connection with windows and the wind, I said that in previous texts. But today He got me again. I went to buy water and instantaneously when I entered my room, I felt like I needed the window and the wind. I went there. And suddenly I was crying.
Suddenly I was looking at the last polaroids I took with my sister and with my mom during Christmas break - it was the last time I saw them. It was the moment where I was going one way, my mom was going another, and my sister was staying. We were saying goodbye without knowing exactly when we'd meet again; but we were praying it was soon.
He reminds me all the time that I'm by myself, but I'm not alone. He has always blessed me with what people would call luck. I call blessings!
The moment I said goodbye to my sister and to my mom, it was the most heart breaking I've ever been. I had to be tough and act like nothing happened as I walked through Chicago Airport and talked to the security guards and stuff. I had to act like I hadn't just say goodbye to my family and a bunch of important people for me.
I had to be tough and come back to a place where no one would be waiting for me at the airport. A place where if I don't feel like buying water, I have to go anyway, because there isn't someone to do it for me - just once. A place where I have to beg people to do stuff with me, because I have no one that would actually know me and know that I like to go out and it makes me happy.
I had to be tough, and I am having to be tough. It's not easy, I'll tell you. Sometimes you'll feel like it was the best choice you've ever made: to leave. Sometimes you'll feel like it was the worst. But in the end, you'll know at least you had the guts to go and try.
Now I look at my sister and my mom only through a screen and it's normal for me. I can't count how many people even in my university would think thats a crazy way to live a life in such a young age.
I'm blessed to be here, because I know how many people would die to just have a taste of the life I'm here living, with the freedom I have here. But beyond that, I'm grateful because my whole life I was able to accomplish my goals and make dreams come true- with my family support. And now I know it's my turn to fight for my dreams, and make it with my own legs.
I'll have to find motivation even in those days when I just wanna be in bed all day talking to my friends and family in Brazil, to go out and do what I have to do.
But thats okay, because I know that even though I'm by myself,
I'm not alone.
03/02/2017
Todos falam demasiado de felicidade. Falam que são felizes ou querem ser, desejam 'toda felicidade do mundo' para alguém no aniversario, desejam 'felicidades' para o novo casal, para a nova fase, para o novo emprego. As vezes eu me pergunto se sou realmente feliz ou se só tenho a impressão de ser, porque falam tanto, é uma palavra tão utilizada, tão explorada, que a 'felicidade' já não me soa como um sentimento.
Então eu busco em mim o significado de felicidade. Eu busco saber se é realmente felicidade quando eu como uma pizza com minha melhor amiga e vejo o nosso seriado favorito, se é realmente felicidade o de sair de casa sem ter que avisar a ninguém. Se dormir até tarde realmente me faz feliz, se brigadeiro me faz feliz. O que é a felicidade?!
Desde que eu vim morar em Lisboa, passo muito tempo agradecendo a Deus pela minha vida e, ao faze-lo, geralmente olho pro céu e sinto o vento na minha cara e ai sinto-me feliz. Dai eu tenho a certeza da felicidade. Dai eu entendo porque sempre desejam a felicidade ao outro. E ao perceber que a felicidade para mim está relacionada à gratidão, eu percebo que muita gente é infeliz por não ser grato. Podem não acreditar em Deus, em forças maiores, em qualquer outra coisa, mas o ato de ser grato não tem a ver com isso. Ser grato pelo que tem é a forma mais rápida de ser feliz.
Ser grata pela pizza me faz feliz; Oh céus, se eu pudesse estar presente na hora que inventaram a pizza eu dava um belo de um beijo! Sou grata por poder sair de casa sem avisar a alguém, mas sou MESMO grata por ter alguém que quer saber onde eu estou. Sou grata por dormir até tarde porque simplesmente posso. Sou grata por ter a vida que eu tenho. Sou grata por ser feliz. Sou feliz por ser grata.
08/06/2016
Ando pelas ruas e te vejo em outras pessoas;
Vejo um corte de cabelo seu,
Vejo o seu jeito de andar,
Ouço sua voz e sinto seu cheiro.
Ouço seus comentários sobre algo que não importa a ninguém, nem a mim, mas te parece muito importante.
Te escuto, sorrindo, falar pela décima vez - e de uma forma diferente - a mesma história de sempre.
Te escuto reclamar do meu jeito de andar na rua.
Te vejo comentando comigo sobre comportamentos que não concordas, situações que necessitam mudanças.
Penso em nossas discussões políticas, econômicas, desnecessárias, matemáticas.
Nossas discussões de planos, de desejos, de bebida, de música, de carro, de nome.
Nome do cachorro, nome do prédio, nome do bebê.
Nome do país, nome do infeliz que passou por um triz de estar em seu lugar.
Nome do lugar que deveríamos estar, nome do lugar que estamos e de onde estaremos.
Lugar do primeiro encontro, lugar do primeiro beijo, lugar do primeiro engano.
Lugar do segundo beijo, lugar dos primeiros planos.
Lugar da primeira briga, do primeiro choro, do primeiro abraço.
Abraço de desculpa, abraço de saudade, abraço de obrigada.
Obrigada por estar, por ser, por entender.
Obrigada por sorrir, viver, crescer.
Crescer por si, por nós, comigo e por mim.
Para mim se declarar, por mim se apaixonar, cada dia mais, cada vez mais.
Por mim, passar noites em claro pensando em como se pode amar tanto alguém e ao mesmo tempo odiar;
Odiar por ter demorado tanto pra chegar, odiar por ter chegado e ter feito tanta diferença.
Odiar por dizerem toda vez 'que casal lindo!'quando andam, quando conhecem a familiares.
Odiar a ideia de eu ter tido um, dois, antes, depois.
Odiar por amar. Amar por amar. Amar e abraçar, e beijar, e desejar.
Te vejo e sinto sua falta.
Mas, onde você está? Por que não fala comigo?
Por que não se apresenta?
Sinto sua falta,
e nem sei o seu nome.
22/01/2017
Right now I'm sitting in front of my window, it's past midnight here in Lisbon and I'm on vacation. And as I sit by myself, I think of all of the people I know and care about. What are they doing? Where are they? In which country, which city? Do they think of me too?
Right now my sister, Regina, and her boyfriend, Brendan, are doing something really funny together (or not funny at all, but they're for sure together and laughing) in the state of Indiana, to be more specific in the city of Fort Wayne. There's also Brendan's family which by the way I love so much, and other people I've met during Christmas break and some I didn't meet but I can't wait to.
Right now my mom is in my hometown, Recife, probably playing with our little dog, Lily. Or probably watching her favorite TV show thats on Sundays (today's sunday, by the way). Or with my stepdad complaining about something, just kidding.
Right now my grandpa is also in my hometown and he's definitely sleeping with the TV on - SUPER LOUD. And probably in one of those tv shows that talks about crimes and stuff like that.
Right now my best friends are together because is one of our friend's 19th birthday and they're probably getting super drunk and laughing and making memories, just like I have of them when I was there.
Right now my friends from the exchange are doing a big reunion in Rio de Janeiro, going out, enjoying the nature, taking pictures and rubbing on my face that. just kidding, they're rubbing on everyone's faces, who wouldn't love to be at the beach with your friends, right? Specially when you're from a really cold place - which is their case.
Right now my friends from Portugal are studying for exams I don't have to take, but they're doing that in their hometowns - which I'd totally do if I was still in Brazil.
So I'm basically by myself. Which is great and I love it. It gives me enough time to sleep what i couldn't sleep during the semester and to read all the books I wanted to but also couldn't read during the semester.
As you can tell I'm used to be by myself and I kinda enjoy it. It makes me value more the time I have with people around me, it makes me wanna go out more to see people, see life, see kids playing with their parents, see sisters laughing together and think of my sister (that actually happens quite often and I always cry a bit). The thing is, I've always been the kind of person that try hard to look at the bright side of things. If I'm by myself and it bothers me, I'll try and change it. But I learnt that if you wanna be a good company for others, you have to be a good company for yourself.
I've experienced getting out of my house without telling anyone and just take the bus, grab a book and sit on a park and read all afternoon, then walked home and saw the sunset. I've experienced walk around the whole city so much that I have a map of it in my head (that's Madrid by the way). I've experienced sitting for hours at Starbucks only looking at people, thinking about life, enjoying a moment of only see the time passing and not doing anything.
We live in a world where if you sit and do nothing, you start to feel useless (or in many cases, someone will tell you that you're useless). We have this rush for everything: to graduate, to get a job, to find the love of our lives and get married, to have a house, a family, a dog, to travel the whole world, to speak a lot of languages. Obviously not all of these. If you're lucky enough, you want only 3 of it (which isn't my case at all).
I wonder what it'd feel like to fulfill your free time with only sitting outside and talking to your neighbors.
I've always had some kind of passion for looking at windows. I just love how it feels when you look at the window and you can just travel inside your mind, think about anything, look at the stars, feel the air touching your skin. I've always said that God is in the wind. He's everywhere, you can feel it but you can't see it nor touch it. But it's there. Everywhere. Hugging you. Loving you.
Living by myself has taught me to be grateful for just everything. I may not be the most rich, the most beautiful, the happiest girl in the world, but I sure am happy, healthy, blessed. Oh, I'm so blessed. Living by myself made me capable of answering simple questions about myself that years ago I couldn't. The simple act of being asked ''so tell me a little bit about yourself'' would be enough for a huge 'uh, I'm Raquel... I like to read, and I'm really boring so why'd you ask, right?''
Being alone made me put myself out there, to meet people, to be known. To make friends from all around the world, of different races, cultures, languages, interests. And by getting to know other people, I learnt more about me. I could finally answer simple questions without showing how insecure I was. Because I wasn't anymore. I learnt to love myself, learnt to feel pretty and understand that other girl's beauty doesn't erase mine. It's not a competition. We're all human. I learnt what kind of people I wanted next to me. I learnt what I wanted and then I showed it. And it made me stronger.
I'm only 18 years old but I'm pretty sure I've been doing this life-thing right. I'm making mistakes and learning from them, I'm following my heart and chasing my dreams, I'm having fun, I'm dancing, laughing at stupid things. I'm traveling and collecting memories with my family, new friends and also strangers.
If I could write about every person that I met that has made a difference in my life and don't even know it, that'd be a huge book! Like last friday, I was sitting on the floor with my friends and a random girl approached us asking for cigarettes but none of us had, then she noticed that I was brazilian and she started to compliment my accent, my people, and then looked at me and said: you're beautiful, you can have any guy you want in this block, in this city, this country, in this world, girl! We all laughed because she was obviously drunk, but her words made me feel even more special.
Or like that time I was at the metro in Madrid sitting and reading, but then an old lady entered and I gave her my sit, and then she gave me a hug and said that there should be more young people like me, less selfish, more thoughtful and respectful. Man, I felt so good!
So I've learnt that small actions can have such a big consequence, in you or in other people. I've realized I wanna work with people because I wanna touch them, I wanna make a difference in their lives. It doesn't matter if it's just a smile, which by the way I love to receive and give, I wanna make a difference.
A proof that I like to see people happy, specially people around me is: two of my friends 'met' their girlfriends because of me. I made a guy kiss my friend and now they're so in love that it's disgusting. Just kidding, I love them. I'm just glad to say that I've become the type of person that's happy with other people's happiness.
By the way: all of that are learnings from the past year. I never thought my 18th birthday would come with so much responsibility and so many stories to tell. In one year I've been to six countries and 12 cities. I've seen so much. And yet so little. I'm only 18.